And I know now...

That I'm so down....

So I've been listening to a lot of 5 Seconds of Summer Recently, drinking far more than I do/did, and started a new job (which entails me sitting at a desk waiting for someone to mess up their computer and then me trying to fix it). So I'm just going to start writing things I want to say to Ms. Luker that I will never get a chance to say face to face but using titles referencing the song that make me think of her.

 I know I said I wasn't going to ever talk about her, but hey it goes...

As some of you may very well know that I ended up in the hospital for an extended stay and part of the diagnosis was Takotsubo cardiomyopathy AKA Broken Heart Syndrome. It sounds absolutely preposterous I know but essentially I wasn't ok with my most recent break up, literally to the point where my poor mental state actually started to effect me physically and my heart started to fail. So essentially I couldn't deal and my body had given up along with my mind. 

I don't know what it is about her that has kept me so enthralled, no matter what she says or does but I wasn't ready to let go or quit not by a long shot. No matter how much of a shit bag I think I am, in my mind I'm still the best viable option (granted not just for her but any girl I've actually been interested in but as of right now that is neither her nor there) So yes I'm saying depending on the situation I'm the best man in the world.  I'll list the reasons that I've come to believe that I can't/couldn't let go

1. You taught me, like a valuable life lesson that will come in handy and for once it wasn't something cynical. You taught me that "There's so much in a name and so much more in you". Names matter and your name is no less important than mine and I shouldn't be so quick to cast away a part of you because if I care about you like I said that I would be accepting of all parts of you.
2. I learned to take care of myself. As ridiculous as that sounds I wasn't taking care of myself, my way thinking was very short sided before you. You taught me that being a man isn’t about respect or strength; it’s about being aware of all the things you touch, and that includes lives and people that have grown attached to me. For that I thank you Janie, Stephanie, and Daniela.
3. I've learned that I should actually speak my mind about everything around me, that simply bottle things up doesn't do anything but put strain on the relationships that I do have and hold dear.
4. Maybe I am slightly attractive. Being with you I actually felt like I was attractive like I wasn't a living version of a Garbage Pail Kid (well why we were dating that is)
5. She taught me that I'm actually pretty quirky and weird and not in that don't ever talk to me or anyone about this again way, but that let me pick your brain because I'm captivated by the sheer madness that makes up your mind way.
6. She changed my views on marriage and dating. Which was damn near impossible to do for most of that know me I'm sort of old fashioned. The whole woman takes my last name to continue the family line thing was a concrete going to happen thing for me and within a hour long conversation at a bar over a beer ( I was drinking Dream Crusher and she was drinking her semi normal Temptress, Ironic no?) she convinced me that i had been looking at the situation all wrong. She didn't do it by attacking my beliefs or anything like that she asked questions and was very sure that all of her points were well seated in fact and logic.
7. Arguments/disagreements are not a bad thing, I used to despise arguing with my significant other but being with her I saw that sometimes thing just need to be hashed out ( reference to #3) 

Ok I really don't have anything else to say about what that amazing woman taught me other than that I wish she was around in some capacity now so I could learn more.